Thoughts at Quarter to Five

As I sit here, on my little mountain of pillows in the corner of my room, I close my eyes as I simply let my fingers and mind type and speak as one. I don't stare at the screen. I sit, with my eyes closed. Heh, kinda bad when you can sit like this and completely type as if you were looking at the computer and checking yourself. Yawning I think of how I miss my one. I think of how my thoughts fill with her name, her face. Her compliments, and compassion. I find myself so incredibly thankful and lucky to have her, I don't know what I would be without her. A friend of mine said this is dangerous love, But I don't care. What's life without a few risks. I can't see myself without her, yet I do not let her consume me. My thoughts frequently drift back to her, as I imagine all that we can be. I haven't told my parents that I've fallen for a girl, I wonder what they will say. I just noticed, my custody papers that I just read for the first time a week and a half ago are still on my television. I wonder how my father is, if he's even alive. I wonder if he thinks of me, I wonder if he loved or ever truly wanted me. My grandmother says he loved me, but if he did, wouldn't he have sent me at least 1 birthday card over these last seventeen years? If he walked up to my front door, I don't know whether I would cry and invite him in, or slam the door in his face. I wonder, are my grandfathers happy. If there is an afterlife, are they watching me now? Do they pass judgement upon who I am and what I do? Are they proud? And how is my great grandmother. I was supposed to go see her this past saturday, that plan fell through when my father took ill. Thoughtless again... I notice, how empty my heart does feel. She is gone, has been for about an hour and a half. But I can still see her gorgeous face in my minds eye, like she's right there. I can feel her arms around me, the safety of them bringing me comfort for the first time in years. I laugh, remembering how protective she is, the other day, when she was so upset because of a small fight I got into with my dad. I love her *smile*. I think to my shot, today. I think to the library. I think of how I am quite tired and kind of wish I could sleep.

I think I will try and sleep... Soon....